I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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