Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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