Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
A bitchslap is in order.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
