Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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