Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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