she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
