I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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