Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's official drugs can't kill me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
