All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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