I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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