ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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