I think I died a long time ago.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
