gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
