Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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