I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
