I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
