I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
