So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
