i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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