i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
