whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
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