This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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