So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
