haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
why do cheetos always look like penises
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
