My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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