I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
