Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
