...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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