The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
