There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
