I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
