you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
