i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
