We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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