god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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