This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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