some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
