Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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