my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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