it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They took my balls.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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