i think my mom watched the whole time
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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