i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize