It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
