Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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