Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
