I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
