I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
