Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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