Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
