my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Bring me that man meat
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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