i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
