I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
