don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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