after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
