I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
