At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
