I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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