I got chris browned last night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
