Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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