if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
