You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
