How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i came on her dog
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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