It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
