sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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